SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
