The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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