i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
