4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
