did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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