I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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