I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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