And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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