My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
