My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
