I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
