In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
