She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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