Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
