Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
