Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
