I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
