I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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