Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
