tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize