I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
