he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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