worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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