just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he puts the penis in happiness.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
