Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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