my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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