I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
