I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize