You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
