Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
