The maid of honor just puked.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize