PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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