Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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