I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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