"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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