They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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