i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
