is your mom at the bar?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
