I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
