i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
