last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
