There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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