I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
