How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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