you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
