All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
