Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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