Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
