A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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