Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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