my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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