I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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