One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
