Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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