the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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