Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
